His Royal Hotness
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His Royal Hotness

Michael is VERY sexy ;) (only 18 and over, please)
 
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 I wish you could hear me...

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PostSubject: I wish you could hear me...   Fri Jun 01, 2012 2:33 pm

Today is not a good day, Michael. To be honest, yesterday wasn't either. I was very sick yesterday, and even last night I was sick, and did not get to sleep until 4 a.m. Only 4 hours sleep. Not enough. I suffer from insomnia, too. Since 5 years or so. It has taken its toll on me. More than that has taken its toll on me, too, though. I hate my life, Michael. I hate it. I thought life was supposed to be beautiful and affirming, but it has been anything but that for me, for the last 10 years. I chose to marry someone just for the sake of being married before turning 30 back in 2002. Bad idea. Since that day, there has been nothing but hell in my life. I tried to make it work, taking all the bad, accepting the few little spots of good, and absorbing a lot of blows, literally. Physical, emotional, mental, and financial abuse the hands of this man, never love and care and understanding and compassion. He used me to remain in this country, so now, I am nothing to him. Well, honestly, what was I to him before? nothing. We had children together, which he occasionally tries to get taken away from us by threatening me with police action anytime I try to speak up for myself or say how I feel about how he treats me. He says I am not a good mother, that I bad-mouth him in front of his kids, but his kids are seeing whatever he is doing, and how he treats their mother. This relationship, if you can call it that, has taken its toll on my life and my health. Almost 6 years ago, I became ill, and have only gotten worse year after year. A host of health problems. Now, I can barely walk or breathe. I cry a lot, just to relieve some of the pressure and frustration and sadness. I beg God everyday for my health back. Everyday. Sometimes, I think He can't hear me, or that I am cursed...

Since I became ill, his tactics are different in that it is no longer physical, but still, the threats of police involvement, the threats of DCFS involvement, the financial abuse, the control, the emotional and mental abuse are still very much present. To him, I have no worth. I am nothing. He has told me this before. A lot of people say 'leave' or 'I wouldn't take that', but I say to those same people it is easier said than done. I have nowhere else to go. I have no friends in this state where I live and he made sure of that. No one calls. No one comes by. I have no one. Family is 11 hours drive from here. I have no car. No money. No nothing. I am not even on the lease here. I suspect that is because he likes to be in control and never wants me to feel like I am apart of anything. And because, whenever he gets pissed off, he likes to tell me to 'get out', knowing I am sick and I have nowhere else to go. He got me kicked out of my apartment. Now, here I am. Sad Sometimes, I wish I could disappear or become invisible, or at least hide.

The police here buy his lies and they help him to oppress me, and therein lies my fear of him calling them. I have almost had these kids taken away 3 times because of the likes of him and these idiot cops. He always threatens me with having the kids taken. I just want a divorce, but how? He won't agree to it, and if he did, he'd try to keep the kids with him and take them to India, and I'd never see them again Sad

Today, he has been cruel to me. I am still trying to recover from last night's sickness and lack of sleep, and here I am having to put up with this. I'm sure he'd be happy if I just dropped dead. Sometimes, I wish I could. It is only because of my kids that I even want to keep living. I hate my life and I hate being married to him, and I hate being sick. It is like being married to an enemy. Someone who knows most things about you and twists those things and uses them against you at every turn. It is no way to live. Today, more threats. He doesn't know how to sit down and have a decent conversation and talk normally and respectfully. He is only happy spewing threats and lies. He has to control everything. I hate him. I really do. It is hard being sick and the person who is supposed to love you only wants to see you fail. He doesn't care how I feel or what I think. It is an awful way to live.

I feel so trapped.

I was so upset a few hours ago, I had to chew 2 baby aspirin and take some water behind them in case I was having a heart attack cause I felt dizzy and like I couldn't breathe and like something was sitting on my chest. The aspirin helped. Thank God. Now he has went to the mosque. I don't know who he is going to pray to. What God would hear him the way he treats me here? You don't treat people like shit in life and expect to get the best of everything. Yet he expects to. Wow.

I just want to be free. If I were free, and I had my health back, everything would fall back into place. I could stand on my own two feet, minus the likes of him. I don't know what sort of man he is, if I can even call him a man. Does he think his children will respect him with seeing how he treats me? He couldn't be that stupid. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this, but I trust no one. Everyone has failed me before time and time again, and I don't feel like all the drama.

I long for a hug. Just a hug. I feel so lonely. So sad. So unhappy. So depleted. Any strength I had to fight is now gone. Maybe he has succeeded in breaking me. I could hear it in my voice earlier while talking on the phone to my mother and grandmother. All I ever wanted was to be loved. That's all. And share my life with someone. I guess I wanted to make something out of nothing. No one can make someone love them. He always lies on me and accuses me of saying things I never said. It's like when I say something, he hears something else. Is it wrong for me to wish he'd leave and never come back? I know the kids would be hurt if he did though. I would never tell them to not love their dad, but it doesn't mean I have to love him because I do not. If there were ever a chance that I could have, that died a long time ago with all the name-calling and put-downs and abuse.

If you happen to read this, thank you for listening. I'm not asking for your help. I just wanted you to hear me. and not only you, but others who might care.

love you

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PostSubject: Re: I wish you could hear me...   Fri Jun 01, 2012 2:54 pm

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PostSubject: Re: I wish you could hear me...   Sat Jun 02, 2012 7:48 am

Oh Doll....*hugs* I feel for you and your horrid situation...I know abuse all to well and it does break your spirit...but please hang in there! God will see you through! I'm praying for your health,happiness & freedom above all.I'll continue to stand in faith for your prayers to come to pass quickly,I feel your weariness your pain....don't ever give up or give in.I Love you.....*hugs*
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PostSubject: DeeDee   Sat Jun 02, 2012 8:35 am

I don't know how much longer I can talk to you. My laptop is breaking down, and I've only had it since February. Sad I won't be able to get another one til a week or so from now. But I'll keep answering as long as I can. but he said even if the laptop is replaced, he is going to turn off the internet service, so then how will I keep in touch? Sad

anyway, i thank you for your words. i appreciate them and you. not feeling well today because of all the upset yesterday. this laptop could stop working at any minute and i'd have no way to let people know what happened. love you and thanks for the *hugs*. I sure needed them. I love you
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PostSubject: :'(   Mon Jun 04, 2012 8:23 am

I am so sorry you're going through this. You're in my prayers, and I love you honey. Remember we will always love you, and want the best for you. No one deserves to be treated this way. No one. Abuse (no matter what kind) can really break a person down. You just hang in there the best way you can, and remember who's in charge. You are a beautiful person. Inside and out. Don't let some jerk break your spirit and make you feel less than what you are. *BIG HUGS* I love you, sweetie. ♥
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PostSubject: Thank you   Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:25 am

Love you, too. Thank you for your words. It's okay. I think everything will be alright one day. Not sure when that day is, but it will be okay. :*) ♥
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